Hero is officially one month old today. Where on earth has that time gone? It feels like she arrived with us only this morning and yet somehow she’s been a part of our lives forever.
The first four weeks were bliss; a picturesque honeymoon. I could think of nothing better than looking at her, holding her, showing her off to all and sundry. We watched her slip seamlessly into our busy and chaotic lives, bringing an element of calm and stillness, and yet flinging everything on its head at the same time.
Such confident honeymooners were we that we’ve taken the poor girl camping at medieval events twice. Despite initially bringing on some acute anxiety episodes, both trips did wonders for my parenting confidence. Perhaps a little over confident, my Health Visitor seemed to suggest, after I told her I’d been on a bouncy castle three-weeks after giving birth.
In these blissfully never-ending early days, that paradoxically pass all too quickly, Hero is all sleepy eyes, beautiful stretches, arm-waving reflexes and a tumble of strange noises designed specifically to keep Mum awake at night.
What Hero isn’t, is disabled. She has barely any control over her left hand yet, so the idea that she might notice she is missing her right is laughable. But that doesn’t mean that, as time goes on and that reality steals in, that I’m not aware of it. I find myself gazing at her little hand, wondering what the future will hold for her, watching the post-box for the referral letter to the plastic surgery department.
Parenting vs Possessing
We don’t fully understand why we’re being referred to plastics (as wonderful as the care she received was, the communication in the neonatal unit was patchy). Are they thinking that those little fingers might need to be removed? The tiny thumb certainly catches on the sleeve of her grows as we dress her, its delicate attachment so fragile. But if removing them is the route they are planning to tread, then they would have to give me a very solid reason for doing so. Before I gave birth I naively thought that being a parent would be like ‘owning’ a child. Surely I had a right to make decisions for her in her inability to do so. Yet now she’s here, utterly dependent on me in a way nothing has ever been or perhaps ever will be again, I can’t escape that sense that I am just the caretaker of her little body. I’m caring for it on borrowed time, a foster carer if you will, until such a time as it becomes hers entirely, to do with as she will – be that tattoos, piercings or plastic surgery on her little hand. There’s no way I could consent to removing those beautiful, characterful little fingers for anything less than a sound medical reason. If it’s suggested to us that the little pad of muscle would be more ‘useful’ without them, if there was a risk of infection or injury, we’d have to consider the options carefully. I couldn’t bare the thought of one day, years from now, Hero turning to me and asking why she had tiny fingers when she was born and why she doesn’t have them now. When and if that question comes I’d have to have a damn strong answer, anything less than that would be an utter betrayal of her inherent trust in us as her parents. And how, after all, could you condone the removal of things so sweetly beautiful in the name of aesthetics?
Where’s Our Baby Babel Fish?
Living with a child who’s limb-different is a bit like learning a new language. Hell, it’s like coining a new language all your own. Words that used to be utterly innocuous to you now raise your blood and spark your emotions in the most inflammatory way.
Stump. Stump is a word that used to represent the base of a felled tree. Now it’s a red rag to a bull. Approaching Hero’s little hand from opposite ends of the spectrum, as we have all the way through, my husband often referred to her hand as a ‘stump’ in the early days. It was a way of distancing himself from the emotion of it, a way of desensitising. Yet to me, each time I heard it was a slap in the face. The word screams at me of incompleteness, of imperfection, of lacking. In the tumultuous hours and days after giving birth the word would instil in me a primal rage the like of which I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. How dare anyone refer to my child as anything less that completely and utterly perfect in her own way?
Unfortunately, the medical lingo for a new born baby’s cut cord also seems to be ‘stump’. There were numerous occasions, as I hovered protectively over her incubator while the consultants surrounded her clipboards in hand, where they callously threw around the word ‘stump’ as if I wasn’t even there. They might as well have been calling my baby a ‘cripple’ for all the ferocity of my reaction. It was only after one of the poor consultants gave me a slightly disconcerted look and told me they were discussing baby’s cord, that I realised they were not actually the politically incorrect vultures I took them for. Yet even now the word, in any context gives me a little twitch, my metaphorical hackles rising ready to defend my child to the hilt.
Then we come to the conundrum of what we call her missing hand. It’s not a hand after all, no matter which way we look at it. Looking at those painfully fragile little digits I could never quite bring myself to call them ‘nubbins’, yet again with no bones or muscle to speak of, how can we call them fingers? Last week Hero’s great granny called them ‘buttons’, a word I find myself much preferring to ‘nubbins’. Time will tell if the word sticks.
So, as we trundle through our fifth week of parenthood, grappling with our own personal philosophies and approaches to every day parenting joys, like feeding and sleeping, we also find ourselves trying to navigate a world of new words, stepping carefully so that we don’t squash each other’s toes.
At the moment we’re a long way from fluent and I expect we’ll remain so until the little one comes into her own and gives us a helping hand with this strange new language.